Oh my gosh, did you by any chance see this last night?  I’m guessing if you had anything better to do at all you didn’t.  But for me, Rye was in bed with a cold and I was up late bored so I watched it.

Wow.

Here are my thoughts:

What a train wreck.  I’m so curious as to why they did this now.  Money and ego, I guess, but it sure seems way too early to pronounce him as a comeback.  At most he can only have a few months sober.  And if he really did want a comeback, I’m not sure this helped his cause by any stretch of the imagination.

The guest panel looked like a focus group for dual diagnosis treatment follow up.   With the exception William Shatner, who I really like, and the blond female comedian, who I’d now like to see in some other venue, all of the rest of them were like WTF?  I guess that was the best they could do.

It would have been better if they could have had Dr. Drew on there as a commentator analyzing, asking questions, and overall commentating.  Now that would have been interesting to watch.  But I’m guessing no sane person, Dr. Drew included, wanted to touch that tribute with a ten foot pole.  And with good reason.

As for the jokes, is this situation really something to joke about?  I mean, honestly, Charlie Sheen’s kids are going to be in therapy forever.   Maybe not right now, but trust me, this will catch up with them and him.  Hearing  jokes about your dad doing excessive drugs, engaging in excessive sex, abusing women, abusing their moms, being a whore monger, enjoying anonymous sex, acting crazy, being ungrateful for what he has, not giving a care in the world about his kids, being an overall ass, and on and on and on really isn’t that funny.  Trust me, to them it won’t be funny.

As for Brooke Mueller, his ex-wife who was in the audience laughing along, God help her.  And her kids.  I mean at least Denise Richards has dignity, intelligence, and some sense so I think her kids will be fine.  Brooke and Charlie’s kids are going to have a bumpy ride with those two as parents and her supporting him and their chosen lifestyle over the kids’ safety and sense of well being.

Steve O.  He made me sad.  He had such a sad look in his eyes it broke my heart.  He has a long journey ahead.  And the fact that he voluntarily ran into Mike Tyson’s fist not once but twice trying to get a black eye speaks volumes.  About the whole evening, really.

I kind of felt sorry for Mike Tyson too.  Don’t ask me why but I did.  I think he struggles far more than he lets on.

Charlie mentioned at the end of the roast that his family was not there to support him.  He gave a slight nod to the fact that he understood  why but then just barreled forward.  I say good for them.  Someone needs to have some sense here.  If my son put me through hell and back with his actions and then wanted to celebrate himself and his actions a few months later in a ‘me-me-me, celebrate me’ public format, I would not go either.  What is there to celebrate?  They are probably still completely reeling from the damage and mortifed by his compete lack of gratitute for what he has and lack of compassion and insight into what he has put his family through.

Overall, I think you would have had to have been intoxicated, completely manic, or a middle school boy to really enjoy this show and enjoy the humor in it.  That said, I’m not even sure a middle school boy would have liked it.  Rye has a biodad very similar to Charlie Sheen and I can tell you that Rye would not have found this funny and would have felt sorry for Sheen’s kids.  The kids are the ones that pay the price.

Charlie Sheen says he is proud of the fact that nothing he has done to date has killed him and that even he can’t kill himself.  The rest of the world looks on, looks past the literal, and says,

Really? Are you sure about that?

You want to see what full-blown mania looks like?  This is is.

You want your teen to see why taking their medication is important?  This is it.

You want your teen to see what they look like when they are in full-blown mania?  Especially as adults?  This is it.

Who on God’s earth would want to deal with this guy?  Who wants this guy as a dad?  Who wants this guy as a husband or a boyfriend?  Who would depend on this guy?  Who would trust this guy?

This guy is not overly passionate, super interesting, special, unique, ’smarter than death’, above normal, above addiction to drugs, on a special calling from a higher power, super cool, super fly, super smart, safe from relapse, or anything else.

He is a manic asshole.

And trust me, you are only seeing the tip of the iceburg in this interview.  The part that goes on behind closed doors is the scariest.  And my son has a dad just like this.  We call him BigB.  And he does not have any visitation rights to Rye and has not seen his son in years and years now.  For this very reason.  This kind of behavior and attitude scared Rye so much as a child that it traumatized him.  Even today he has bad memories of his dad.  And even now as a 13 years old that is over 6ft tall and very strong, Rye does not want to see him. Because his dad had an attitude and lifestyle just like this.

And I’ll tell you, I love my son more than I could ever express, but I have no patience for this.   This behavior and attitude is unacceptable.  Mania is a bad gig and it does damage.  There is no bi-winning here.  The damage Charlie is creating here will be with him for years and years to come.

And Charlie says he does not want to be normal.   No worries there, Charlie, that ship has long sailed.  Everyone on earth knows you aren’t normal now.  My son didn’t want to be normal while he was manic either.  Until he realized that no one wanted to be around him any more.  And no one liked him anymore.  And he wasn’t anything great while manic.   He was just running his life into the ground at about 8,000 miles per hour.  At 12 years old.  And he sees what it did to his dad and he does not want that life for himself.  Drug use, promiscuity, multiple divorces, abusing and endangering his children, loss of children, jail, prison, loss of jobs, loss of friends, loss of family.

Sound familiar, Charlie?

Get some help.  If nothing else, do it for your kids.  They need you and would love for you to be at least somewhere near normal.

Over Christmas in a complete six degrees of separation type of occurrence we found out where BigB is living.  Just like that.  After years of having no idea if he is dead or alive or what the case may be and without looking for the information at all… boom.  One conversation with one person I reconnected with via a Christmas card and there it is.  Oh yea, they say, I saw BigB the other day and was asking him about you.  Say wha?? I say.   Yea, BigB lives near us with so and so and has for a while.  Oh.  Well.  There it is then.  The one thing Rye has been wondering for years now.  Just falls into our lap.  Like it’s nothing.  As if it’s random.

Which, of course, it’s not.

So, I debate.  Do I tell Rye or do I not tell him.  Will it hurt him or help him.  I decide to tell him.  After all, I’ve been listening for years now about how he wants to find BigB when he turns eighteen.  What he’ll say to him.  What he’ll do.  And so on.  And I’m not one to keep anything from Rye.  He’s deserves to know.  So I told him.

“Well,” Rye says, “it’s nice to know he’s not in jail or in prison or dead.”

“What do you think?  How do you feel? Does this make you want to contact him?”  I ask.

[pause]

“No,” he says.

“Do you want to see him?”  I ask.

“No,” he says.

“Ok,” I say.

And that was that.  I have not heard a word of it since.

___________

And then last night I had a dream.  And it was so real it feels like it actually happened.  I dreamt that BigB was heavily using drugs, as he has a lengthy history of doing, and was in bad shape.  We had not seen him in years and years and yet he came to see us and was falling apart and needed help so Don and I took him to rehab.  And Rye helped us.  And it as weird because as a unit Don, Rye and I wanted to see him be well.  We wanted him to be ok again.  We wanted to help him.

And that was it.

What does it all mean?  I have no idea.  But I feel certain it will all be revealed in time.

__________________

And as an aside…

Dear Mimi Silbert at Delancey Street,

It would have been so helpful if a few years back you would have acknowledged 12 step programs and a higher power as being not only helpful to but vital to your residents for long term recovery from drug and alcohol dependence and acknowledged and accepted without prejudgment or stigma that a good many of your participants suffer from completely treatable mental illnesses that, if correctly diagnosed and treated, could save them from a life of self-medicating, addiction, antisocial behavior and/or prison recidivism.  I mean, really, where is the shame in a little lithium?   It saves people’s lives.  It saves families.  It gives kids their parents back.

Consider it.

Sincerely,

Meg

Carrie Fisher has a new documentary film coming out December 12, 2010 on HBO called Wishful Drinking.   In this film Carrie talks about growing up, her parent’s marriage, her career, her battle with addiction, time spent in mental hospitals, her diagnosis of bipolar disorder and the  ECT treatments she received while trying to help ease her bipolar symptoms.

The film is based on Carrie’s one woman show and from the clips I have seen so far has a highly comedic tone.

If you have HBO, check it out December 12.  If are like me and unfortunately don’t have HBO (HBO makes really great documentaries), I’m not sure when you can view it but hopefully soon thereafter it will be available for viewing elsewhere.

If you see it in the next few weeks, post a comment and let me know what you think.

You can view some preview clips here.

Thank you, Carrie, for being so open about your life and best wishes with your one woman show and the documentary!

Could be, Rye.  Could be.  I don’t think we’ll ever fully know the origin.  And honestly, I’m not sure it’s of a a single origin.  But I’m sure that all played a part.  The best we can do now is deal with what we are given in the most healthy way possible.   The best we can do now is find the strength in who we are and be the best that we can be and grow in love and faith.

____________

Last night my Don and I were watching Mad Men.  Specifically, we were watching the episode “The Summer Man” on demand.  In this episode the character Don is struggling with his identity.  He is struggling with his perceptions of the world around him and the choices he wants to make going forward regarding his life, his drinking, his family, his intimate relationships, etc.

As we were watching the episode it dawned on me, yesterday was the wedding anniversary of my first marriage.  September 21.  My marriage to Rye’s bio-dad, BigB.  BigB,  who I loved so much at the time and is now the cause of so much angst and confusion and feelings of abandonment and anger and sadness for Rye.   The dad who made choices about his life and did not choose his family.  The dad who, when he did choose his family, abused those rights and abused the people involved.  Abused us.   The dad who now chooses not to see his son.  Not to fight for him.   Not to care enough to act.  The dad who is and was so consumed in his own life and own dealings and own chaos and addiction that he cannot worry about the impact he has on others.

Ironically, in so many ways to it for the best that Rye no longer sees him.  And has not seen him for many years.  And maybe BigB knows this and stays away for this very reason.  It’s possible.  It may even be probable.

But looking back it’s hard to believe all of that happened.  I have been married and settled with my Don now for so long (over half of Rye’s life) that it’s hard to believe I had a whole life before this.  A very different life.  And it’s hard to explain to Rye why it all happened.  It’s complex.  And the emotions are mixed. But they are real.

I don’t know if Rye will ever fully understand why I made the choices I did.  And I don’t know if Rye and I will ever understand why BigB made the choices he did.

My intentions at the time were good.  BigB’s intentions at the time were good.

But sometimes good intent is just that.

Intent.

The past is never dead.  It’s not even past.

- From ‘Requiem For A Nun’ by William Faulkner

So I  have to write this down before I forget it but last night I had a dream about Eminem.  Here’s why.

Rye’s new favorite song is ‘Not Afraid’ by Eminem.  If you haven’t heard the song or your kids don’t listen ad nauseum to and know the lyrics to every new hip hop song that comes out on the radio, this song is from his new album ‘Recovery’ and it’s about Eminem’s decision to get clean from drugs and alcohol.  And it’s actually a really good song.   So we listen to it a lot. Because it’s on the radio a lot.

Anyway, yesterday Rye, his friend and I were coming home from the amusement park/water park (to which we now have season passes so we go every week) and the song ‘Not Afraid’ came on the radio.  Rye sang it at about 800 decibels with the hand movements and everything and we moved on with our lives.  Well, about 10 minutes later another Eminem song came on that I had never heard before and I swear to God I nearly had a wreck I was so stopped in my tracks by it.  The song was “Love the Way You Lie” with Eminem and Rihanna.

Now, it’s not often in life we have moments like this and when we do have them it’s always a bit unnerving but at the moment I heard that song I was totally taken back to my first marriage.  Honest to God, I felt like I was emotionally in some kind of time warp.  That song completely took me back, instantaneously and in some weird suspension in time.   The song was a nearly perfect depiction of my relationship with Rye’s bio-dad, BigB.  And it completely weirded me out.  Now, not to say that that relationship was all bad because by no means was it.  Rye’s bio-dad was my best friend for many years.  Almost all of my 20’s, in fact.  When it was good, it was really good.  But when it was bad it was really bad.  Too bad.  So ultimately I had to go.

Anyway, to the dream.  Well, the dream was that I was staying at a friend’s house and Eminem was staying there as well.  He was passing through town on some tour or something or other and he was friends with the same people I was friends with so he was staying and visiting with them, just as I was.  I was petrified to talk to him because I had no idea what he would be like in real life and, to be honest, he very much reminds me of BigB (Rye’s bio-dad) and that weirds me out a little as well.   But I finally mustered up the nerve to talk to him and as it turns out, I had nothing to be scared of as he was really nice.  And very intelligent. The intelligence part was the part that struck me the most.  We had a good conversation and then our mutual friends, he and I all went out for breakfast.  And when we got in the car the song ‘Love The Way You Lie’ was playing.   And this time I was was ok with it.  The song didn’t spook me as much.  I was at peace with it all.

Ok, a little mundane, I admit it.  But I never ever dream about celebrities so it was unusual for me.

Really I think the dream was about working through and coming full circle on the past and present because, you see, Rye loves Eminem.  Eminem is a lot like BigB.  BigB was raised a lot like Eminem.  Rye loves but is scared of BigB.  I loved but was (and still am a bit) scared of BigB.  We never hear from BigB.  Eminem is who we hear on the radio.  Eminem sings songs that directly relate to both Rye and BigB.   BigB looks somewhat similar to and has the same mannerisms as Eminem.  Rye has no idea that BigB ever liked Eminem as an artist.  Rye is simply drawn, independantly,  to the lyrics and the notes and the emotion that Eminem expresses.  He can relate to it.  As could Big B.  They are all very similar on a level of soul.

So, there you go.

Life works in mysterious ways.  And what may appear to be the past is never really past.

Well, I dropped Rye off at his fishing tournament bright and early this morning.  It’s a beautiful day here so he should have a good day and I now have some time to myself to piddle as Don is out of town visiting family for the weekend.

As I was driving to the lake I couldn’t help but think that I am a bit concerned these days about keeping Rye on the straight and narrow.   He’s about to turn 13 and he’s definitely getting to that period of life where him and his friends are starting to get a bit wiley.  I mean, they are good kids.  They all pray and all seem to have a good connection to God but still, they are easily sidetracked.  And the night before last a bunch of them spent the night at one of the friend’s house and apparently had quite a time.  And stayed up very late.  Call me a cynic but I can’t imagine that was a tale of purity.

I guess it’s true that if Rye was any old Joe kid with any old Joe steady-Eddy parents I probably would not be too concerned.   I mean, kids will be kids and teens will be teens and Rye has had a great deal of freedom over the years and still continues to have a lot and has always made good decisions so far.  However, I liked excitement in my teen years and Rye’s dad, BigB, was off the charts.  Beginning young and throughout his life he has really struggled with drugs and alcohol, has been to jail many times, and has been to prison.  So, not to overestimate the impact of genetics or anything but it is something to keep in mind.   It would be ignorant not to.

Anyway, as I was driving and thinking I looked to my left and there it was.  An AA house.  Alcoholics Anonymous.  A whole stand alone house just for their meetings.  It even had a sign out front designating it as such.  And there were a bunch of men out front smoking and chatting.  Now, I’m going to be honest, we have lived in this area for many years and I have never seen an AA house anywhere.  And now here we are out in what seems like the middle of nowhere, on the one day in a long time I have even been mulling this issue over in my mind,  and there it was.   Well, of course I took it as a sign.  How could one not?  This didn’t happen by accident.

So I decided,  I am going to take Rye to a few AA meetings and let him see how this all plays out of you aren’t careful or start making bad decisions.  Maybe he could hear some stories of people hitting bottom and what it took to recover and all that that entails.   He’s definitely the type of kid that needs to see things up close and personal and hear the stories straight from the horse’s mouth or he’s not buying it.

Maybe it will have an impact.  Maybe it won’t.  Maybe I don’t need to worry about it all that much.  Maybe he’s got the sense to make good decisions without this kind of exposure.  Maybe he doesn’t.  Who knows.  I do know it can’t hurt him.   It won’t hurt him to go to a few meetings.  And it might really help him.

Preventative measures, I tell myself, preventative measures.