Here we are for the past week +.  I am the giraffe/elephant.  Rye is the bear.  I am exhausted.

After a good long stretch of stability, we have hit a bump in the road.  This past week Rye morphed into a person I have not seem in a very long time with symptoms I have not seen in a long time.  It’s tough to see.  It’s tough to handle.  And it’s taking a toll on all of us.

I have pulled Rye from school the past few days and with that I can see his psyche relaxing somewhat.  Next week he will return to school on a half day schedule.  I think that will help as far as school goes but I’m not sure.  Maybe not.

In addition to changes in school, Rye needs a med adjustment. We meet with the new psychiatrist in a little over a week and I am trying to get in sooner but don’t have any guarantees.  Appointments with child and adolescent psychiatrists are hard to come by.  I’m hoping to try Lithium when we do get in.

Right now I am worried for the future.  I know Rye is unstable but I’m not sure how to get back to normal.  He does not qualify for hospitalization as he is not a danger to himself or others.  He is ‘off’, though, and not functioning well.   He won’t do any of his sports, he can’t handle school.  And this isn’t just teen defiance. He is unwell. You can see it.  You can feel it.  For the first time in a long time I feel at a complete loss of where to go and what to do.  And Rye will barely leave my side, which is also not a good sign, so it’s hard to even have the time and freedom to call and research what to.

For the first time in a long time I really just feel like…I don’t know.

And we need some help.

_______

the art above is called ‘Tightrope Artist’ – I don’t know the artist who made it or I would give him or her credit here

http://drdrew.blogs.cnn.com/

Now,  am I the only one thinking… Conversion disorder??

Really?

These girls all attend the same high school.  They are all around the same age.  In all of them this illness came on suddenly and is now life altering.   To me, there is such a miniscule chance of this being conversion disorder and psychologically based.  This is some kind of toxin (be it a virus, a bacteria, a metal, a mold, a fungus) that these girls were all exposed to and is affecting them neurologically.  And someone needs to help them find out what it is. Now, may stress be exacerbating the symptoms?  Sure.  But that is not what is causing this.

And I’m really upset that they so far are leaving it to the State of New York to rule out physical causes.  That’s like leaving it to a pharmaceutical company or the FDA to tell you if a drug is safe or not.  Let’s get some real, unbiased help for these girls.  They deserve it.

As far as the show itself goes, here’s the part that really disturbed me.  As the show and interview were taking place, one of the girls fell to the floor in a seizure.  As the show rolled on and the burden was on the girl’s mom to care for her seizing daughter while continuing to answer questions on camera, Dr. Drew was very concerned for the girl and was visually distressed by the situation and concerned about the seizing girl’s well being-which was reassuring.  He continually asked how the girl was doing and showed great empathy for her and her mom’s situation.  Dr. Sharp [the Psychiatrist from Harvard Medical School], on the other hand, not so much.  Maybe it was just that he was trying to answer Dr. Drew’s questions, but Dr. Sharp continued to talk on through the crisis and through the seizure about how this is probably psychologically based and is caused by a disturbance in their psyche(s).  And he seemed to just think the seizure this particular girl was having right then and there was caused by the emotional stress of the interview, thereby affirming the hypothesis that this could be caused by conversion disorder.

To watch these girls and this family go through this horror and then be brave enough to share about it on television only to be told by a Harvard Psychiatrist that this is a psychological reaction to… what?  School stress?  As the girls are literally seizing and having massive tics and falling apart right there on camera.  Ughh.  It was terribly sad to watch.  And really disheartening.  And doesn’t speak very well for psychiatry, if you ask me.

It was unforgettable.

Going forward, I really hope these girls and their families get some high quality medical help from this exposure. Someone needs to step up and get these families some true comprehensive help.

As we had an incident arise the other day that brought up one of the most important things I have learned over the years, I thought I would share in case it might help someone else.  And that is:

How to avert a rage or complete meltdown.

Now, let me preface this by saying that if your child or teen is not at least reasonably stable, this probably won’t work too well.  But, assuming you get to a place where your child is able to have some forethought, is not completely impulsive, is not completely reactive, and is able to be introspective [and some of this just comes with age] – this has worked wonders for me.

So, when things start escalating and Rye’s emotions [anxiety, fear, frustration,etc] start taking over and I can feel the tension in the room rising and feeling as though things are going to get precarious, I walk over to Rye, gently take his head in my hands to make sure he is making eye contact with me, connecting with me, and hearing me, and I say,

I can see that you are struggling.  What can I do to help?  What do you need from me?

And with that, he will tell me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, he may not know exactly what he needs at first.  And he may say just that.  But, just by asking the question itself I acknowledge his struggle and let him know his challenge and emotion are being heard and seen.  This question, in turn, changes his mind path, gets him thinking on solutions instead of reactions, and it starts a dialogue.  And from there we can usually figure out what will help him and we can address his concerns.

And for us, this works pretty much every time at averting big meltdowns.

Now, I will say that the answers I get aren’t always completely rational or literal or right on the mark and you have to learn to work around that and be flexible with that.  For example, the other day when Rye started to escalate the answer I got was that he just wanted me to love him.  Well, ok, obviously I love him.  And he knows this.  But what he was more meaning to say was that he was scared and frustrated and had some issues he didn’t know how to problem solve.  And his frustration and fear was taking over and whipping him into a complete frenzy.  So, in response to his answer to my question, I don’t be sarcastic, I don’t brush him off and/or tell him his concern is ridiculous or that he knows I love him etc. etc. but instead I act as though I’ve never said it before because this is what he needs.  I told him very clearly that I love him. That I always love him.  And I looked him the eye as I said it and made sure he was looking me in the eye as well.  I need for him to hear me.  And for him to feel my sincerity.  And then I said, now that you know I love you, what else can I do to help?   What do you need from me?  And we went from there.  In a calm, rational discussion in which we went on to solve some problems that were bugging him.

Rage averted.

So…is this always the way I have handled these situations?  ha,ha,ha…no.  I have handled them in 80 different ways that didn’t work. And I have handled then in ways that escalated the issue verses de-escalating it.  So I have learned the hard way.  But, the good news?

This works.

And it’s so basic.  You know, no one ever just tells you to ask your child what they need.   But the truth is, even when they are totally out of control, they often know what they need.  Or at least close enough.

And the biggest benefit?  This process, done over the years, teaches your child how to be self aware, help themselves, and avert their own meltdowns.  Through repetition it teaches them to problem solve their own emotional takeovers.

And this is key for being successful in life.   Knowing how to be self aware and ask others for help when needed.

Rye is skiing today and Don is catching up on sleep so I have a chance to sit and write and think.  Ahhhh.  I’m feeling myself exhale.  Lovely.  Rye’s been sick with a chest cold the past few days so I have not had much time to myself and it’s nice now to have a moment to regroup and let my mind sift out.

Things have been busy here.  Don is very busy at work and that occupies the majority of his waking time and energy and I am working hard to get my company up and running again.  As for my plight,  it’s really exciting but it’s not easy.  It’s a lot of work.  There is a lot of background work to do and that’s where I am now.  It will pay off in the end, though.  It will all be worth it in the end.  Generally the best things never come easy or everyone would do them, right?

As for Rye, he is doing well.  We went to the doctor yesterday for his cold and found out he’s grown again.  He is now just shy of 6′3″.  And we bought his first pair of size 15 shoes last week.  Growing, growing… I now have my own personal body guard.  It’s kind of nice, really.

As for other happenings…

…I met with Rye’s school regarding his psych/academic test results.  The meeting went well and although it was a bit sad in that the testing shows why he really struggles in school, the good news is that the testing [ in conjunction with the doctor note and diagnosis] qualifies him for the services he now receives (resource classes and a lot of accommodations) to continue into high school.  And that is good news.

…Rye got new (well, new to him) freestyle skis and brand new ski boots.  It was his late Christmas present from Don and I and he is loving them.  He skis every weekend with a student group and is practicing freestyle skiing.  As he says, the freestyle skis are a must because with them you can ski forward and backward.   Seems so fitting for him.

…I broke down and got a smart phone.  For work I need a real phone with a real phone service and good connections so I begrudgingly gave up my sans-contract ghetto prepaid phone, gave it to Rye, signed a 2 year contract, and got a smart phone.  I’m embarrassed to say, I’m kind of falling in love with the new phone.  At times I feel certain the phone might just be smarter than me and the voice command feature is just out of this world.

…I’ve gotten Don and Rye hooked on piling into bed and watching old TV miniseries.  We watched East of Eden with Jane Seymour and if you haven’t seen that, you need to. It was great.  Right now we are in the middle of Rich Man, Poor Man and it’s really good too.  We tried to start Winds of War but couldn’t really get into it.  Next we may watch The Thorn Birds.  I remember seeing that one as a kid but it’s been a long time.

…After a weekend a week or so back of feeling nearly crippled from what I guess is arthritis, I have now limited myself to eating sugar only one day a week (Saturdays) and I feel great.  No more aching.   It makes me think the sugar was acting as an inflammatory for me.  Time will tell.  If it can be fixed that easily, that will be nice.

…We saw the movie The Ides of March.  I’m not into politics at all (like I really hate politics) but it was a great movie.  I’d recommend it.

…Rye started on a new basketball team.  He likes it ok so far.

…We still need to find a good fit psychiatrist for Rye.  I’ve got to get on that next week.

And, I guess that’s about it for now.

Have a great weekend!

Or, ‘the thritis’ as Don and I call it.  One of my new challenges as we begin 2012 is that I’m getting arthritis.  Or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what it is.   It started late last year and it seems to be a steady part of my life now.  And it’s making me feel old and creeky.

Bummer.

I get it primarily in my wrists and ankles but sometimes it can be in other joints as well and it can really hurt.  Other days I don’t have it at all.

Ughh.

I’m not the spring chicken I used to be.

Wow.  New Year’s kind of snuck up on me this year.  We’ve been in a vacation coma of eating junk food and watching movies for over a week now and it just dawned on me yesterday that today is New Year’s Eve.   We don’t have any big plans for the evening.  I think we’ll grill steaks and I’m making a rum cake for the first time but that’s about it.  We’re still in hibernation mode resting to start the New Year – which is slated to be a big one for us.

As for 2011, it was a tough one.  2011 was a year of big decisions and big change for us.   We started the year with Rye homeschooling and with Don in a job that he enjoyed but in which he had reached the maximum potential as far as challenge and responsibility.  Don was under challenged, underpaid and left wanting for more.  With Rye still in middle school and Don in his mid 30’s, we needed to make some decisions.  Was where we were, where we wanted to be for the next 5 years?  With limited exciting job options for Don where we were and a move being required to get to better schools for Rye if he wanted to go back for high school, we realized the answer was no.  We decided where we lived was not the ideal place for Rye to go through high school.  We also decided that the time was now for Don to make a career move if he ever wanted to find his dream.

So, we looked and discussed.  We weighed the pros and cons of leaving what we knew to head out to something unknown. We weighed leaving the family and the friends and the house we loved to risk it all on an unknown.  We weighed the fact that we would need to find a new doctor for Rye and how would he fare leaving his friends and family?  Would we be risking the stability he had and possibly face another hospitalization due to the stress of the change?

But, with all that, we decided to chance it.  Don looked for a job and within weeks (and with the direct touch of a guardian angel, no doubt),  he found his dream job.  It was a risk.  And it was all the way across the country.  But it had promise.  It had everything he was looking for.  Literally, everything.

Fast forward 6 months and here we are.  West Coast residents.  With very few of our original possessions.  And Don loves, loves, loves his job.  In fact, he just got a promotion to start the New Year.  And with that will come greater financial stability for us.  And amazingly, Rye is back in public school full time.  He wanted to go.  With the move we found great public schools that offer great special education services and with that, Rye is able to do well in school.  And stay all day.  And he enjoys it.  And it still stresses him some, but not too much that he can’t go.  And he is learning, learning. learning.  And he sees and knows the value of an education because nearly every kid at his school now wants to go to college.  And it’s no joke to them.  Education is key where we live now.

And Rye’s stability has held.  He is still doing well.  No major fall aparts.  No crazy antics.  Not even a remote need for hospitalization.  He’s thriving.  And we are still looking for a permanent psychiatrist.  But sometimes that takes time and that’s ok.  That would be the case anywhere.

As for me, with Don and Rye doing so well I am about to go full steam ahead with my company.  I put it on hold for years as I was homeschooling Rye but now that that need is no longer there, it is time to get back to business.  And I am really looking forward to it!

So, as we say goodbye to 2011, I am happy.  It was a tough year.  But it has set us up for a great year to come in 2012 as we settle in and begin our new life out West.

And start working for our big dreams to come true.

I look at our pictures from Christmas last year and I can’t believe how much Rye has changed.   Last Christmas he was shorter than both Don and I.  And he looked young.  Like a kid.  This Christmas, he is 6′2″.  Without shoes on.  He looks like a teen.   This Christmas he towers over me and easily tucks me under his arm.

I now mother him from below.

Hello up there, Rye.  Can you hear me? This is your mother speaking and I’d like to tell you something.

I love you.

As God loves me, I love you.

With purpose and without condition.

Merry Christmas, Rye.

May you live your life with passion, gratitude and peace.

And love others and the world as God loves you.

_________

And Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

May you

feel the peace. love and hope of the season!

uggh

I have been sick for the past week.  I have a virus that I just cannot shake and now Don has it too.  It started in my head as a cold, moved to what felt like a sinus infection until I bought a Neti pot and really started flushing out my sinuses (which helped).  Then it moved to my upper back and I felt like my back was broken.  And now it’s in my lower back/GI system.

Very unpleasant.

And Rye has been a trooper but he’s starting to get quite bored so today we are going to see ‘Puss In Boots’.  I hope I make it without bursting into a fever again.

Wish us luck.

Well, things are back to normal at the homestead.   Rye had a good rest of the week, as did the rest of us.  Don and I went to a Christmas party last night and it was the first time in I can’t even remember when I dressed up in a skirt, etc.  It was a work party but it was fun.

This weekend we will spend getting ready for Christmas.  We need to figure out our gift situation and get a tree and decorate.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

It was overdue, I guess.  Things have been really good for months now despite nonstop huge life changes.

I spent the last day and a half with a derailed Rye.  He called me from school the morning after last completely frantic.  Seven calls in a row.   Each with a new physical ailment for which he needed to come home.  After about the 4th call I realized it had nothing to do with  the physical and everything to do with the mental/emotional.  So, I went and got him.

When I went to pick him up I got a smallish lecture from the school nurse about how he needs this and that because he has a lot of physical complaints.  She doesn’t know his predicament has nothing to do with the physical so I just let her talk and agreed.  No sense in doing anything else at that point.

As we left the school, Rye started to verbally unload telling me all of the things he had been storing up and taking in at school and with life in general with a speech pattern of about 100 miles per hour.  The testing is stressing him out, the psychologist is weirding him out, the classes are hard, the schoolwork is hard, I don’t pack him the right things for lunch, etc. etc.  And it went on, and on, and on.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  His school now is wonderful.  And he really likes it.  We could not ask for a better school.  And he is making friends there so he loves that part.  This was just Rye.  Because this is how his mind works.  It’s like a puffer fish.  He takes it in, takes it in, takes it in, and then finally needs to let it out.  And this is what he was doing.

So, we sat in a parking lot waiting to go get lunch and I let him unload.  Then we came home and he continued to unload and fall apart off and on for the next day (I let him stay home the next day).   After a rage of which we have not seen the likes of  in probably a year now, we agreed that we would up his Seroquel by 25 mg and see if that helps.  It that doesn’t work, we’ll go up another 25 mg.  That is what our previous psychiatrist would tell us to do.  To put out the fire in his brain.   And then we lower it back down once things have calmed down for a while.  We’ve been here before and it worked.  So, this is what we did.

This morning, things were good.  He went to school and told me he would have a good day.

And I believe him.

I’m not sure that ‘full’ full-time school is the best fit for him.  But I guess we’ll try and do what we can.

One day at a time.