The gist is this, when it comes to making decisions in life, ask yourself what you would want your own child to do if you had a child (in Rye’s case, he should ask himself what he would tell his own son to do) and then tell your self to do that same thing.  In other words, give yourself the same advice you would give an outer, dependent child.

For example, sometimes I ask Rye when he is struggling with a decision….even before this session…’If you had a son or our positions were reversed and you were my parent, what would you tell that son or what would you tell me to do in this situation?’  Inevitably he comes up with better advice for me or his hypothetical child than he would actually give himself in real life.  So, the idea is that he should give himself that same information or advice that he would give me in a parent or caregiver role and follow it himself.

He should love himself.  This is a way of showing love to himself.

Now, granted, there are a lot of kids that just do this naturally.  Many kids out there, myself included as a young person [although in my 20's I did struggle more with this], do not struggle with impulse control issues or being drawn to dangerous things or making the right decision as much as bipolar children and teens often do.  So they don’t really need this so much.  It it just obvious to them that they should make healthy and safe decisions.  However, my child is not like this.  He struggles.  He often wants to do the right thing but is also quite drawn to the darker choice.  And so this advice, behavioral training, and practice is good for him.

And, let’s not discount the effects of medication.  We also saw the psychiatrist yesterday and we discussed this as well.  Without the medication, making the right decision or well thought out decisions can be next to impossible.  However, the problem with the medication is that  it is not always right.  It is not always at the right level or working right or whatever the case may be so one needs to have other techniques to use as well – and in addition to  – the medication.  The psychiatrist yesterday said that Rye is still hypomanic.  But we can only go up so fast on the Depakote.  So these behavioral techniques are helpful.   Even if they don’t work as well as if he weren’t hypomanic.  They are still are much, much better than nothing.  And honestly, I can’t remember a time in my life when Rye wasn’t hypomanic so I’ll be blown away when we get to where he’s not.

The therapy is useful.  Rye may not be able to put every technique into practice at all times but I know he really hears the therapist and it is all going into his mind. Bit by bit.  Session by session.  Techniques for how to deal with life, decisions, feelings and dificult situations.

It’s all good.

It’s interesting, though.  He is very much a behavior based therapist.  In other words,  he minimizes the effect of medicines as he believes they don’t control you.  You control yourself, regardless of medication.  Now, as much as I would like to believe this is wholly and completely true, I know it’s not.  We have learned the hard way that it’s not.   And I’m not sure the therapist completely believes it either as I know he know a great deal about bipolar disorder.  Rye is actaully able to make much better decisions and control himself better now with the medication.  Even he says he can feel it and can feel that he has better control of himself  and we can very, very much see it.  So while I think it’s a good idea for Rye to know that he controls himself and that this premise is what makes the actual behavior therapy work, the medication is what makes the therapy doable and we all know that.  Even Rye.

Anyway, so what have we learned so far?

Well, one of the best things from the first session was Practice Makes Perfect.   As he explained it, if Rye starts making good decisions now and practices working on making good decisions as he grows until he is 18 by the time he is an adult  he will be very good at making good decisions.  Making good decisions will be what he does well at the time of adulthood.  Conversely, if he starts now at 12 years old making bad decisions and practices making bad decisions over and over again from now until he is 18 years old, and surrounds himself with others that make bad decisions so the behavior becomes normalized, by the time he is an adult he will be an expert at making bad decisions.  And this will set him up for a very difficult adult life because the one thing he will be an expert at by the time he is 18 is making bad decisions.

I love this concept as it really is so true but I had never really thought of it in that way.

In the second session, today, he worked on reinforcing the concept of making good choices.  We also implemented a system of earning rewards and privileges (verses losing privileges or punishment which is where we were before).    We examined Rye’s behavior over the past week and looked at what he could have done differently and what Don and I as parents could have done differently (because let’s face it, we are learning here too).  We also talked about the fact that if the public school Rye goes to continues to be a total disaster in the fall (he wants to go back to school with his friends) then we should look at private school options.   In fact, he suggested a school that he said is great and so we are going to look at it in a few weeks.  We talked about football and sports, as Rye is really excited about that, and making good goals for yourself.  Keeping commitments.  Showing good character.   These are all things that Don and I talk about with Rye as well but it’s amazing how having an independent third party reinforcing the child and holding them responsible can have such an impact.

And the best thing about the therapist, the piece I just love and that makes Rye want to go and also leave the sessions feeling all warm and cozy, is that although the therapist is pretty hard on behavior and complying to rules and holding Rye accountable for what he does and says, he is also extremely good at positive visualization and enabling Rye to see what a great person he is now and can be in the future, what goals he can accomplish, what heights he can reach and how successful and wonderful he will be in the future as an adult.  It is really great.   He has Rye envision himself relaxing and following the rules and accomplishing whatever goals he wants for himself and having a very successful life.

I love it.

Accountability, following rules, responsibility, caring, empathy, hard work, respect for others, respect for one’s self, and good character, all coming together to create subsequent limitless success in life.

The possibilities in life are limitless if you do the right thing.

I liked him.

He is an older man.  A psychologist (PhD).  And has over 30 years of experience.  He has a very relaxed energy, seemed very confident in what he does and was very personable.   He seemed to be of the ‘been there, done that’ variety and displayed an ease of the soul that comes only with experience.  I feel confident that he will be able to match Rye’s wit and yet challenge him as well.  But I guess we’ll see.  He had some good tales of intrigue regarding family members and colleagues being raised by less than stellar parents and coming from less than stellar genetic lines and then going on to make good life choices for themselves, choosing the right thing, and leading healthy, productive, successful lives.  These stories will be well received by Rye as he is really grappling with his identity right now including, but not limited to, how that relates to bio-dad and the choices he made and continues to make (amazingly, despite the fact that Rye has not seen him since he was 6 and Don and I are Steady-Eddie as all get out .  Filed in:  never underestimate the power of the absent bio-parent).

And the best thing of all…I asked him how he felt about bipolar disorder.

His reply?

‘Bipolar disorder is interesting.  It is often an affliction of the most intelligent and most creative people.  Some of the most interesting people of our society have bipolar disorder.’

And to that I say, let the festivities begin!

_______

note: the above photo is of the Bob Newhart Statue in Chicago