Things are looking up.

We have made some adjustments to the school schedule.  We have hired an educational consultant.  We have pushed up our appointment with the new psychiatrist.  I now have a therapist who I look forward to seeing every week.  Rye will soon have a therapist.

And Rye is coming back to his regular self.  He has snapped out of his ‘blurredness’ and is present.  Simply changing his school day to a half day helped instantly.   It’s incredible the impact that school stress has on this kid.

So, I am feeling more optimistic now.  I feel like we are getting a support network of high quality advisors in place and I’m so glad to have perky and present Rye back.  That said, I’m not sure that this kid will ever be able to handle full time public school.  I don’t know.  Maybe with a med adjustment he will.  But maybe not.  And really, does it matter?  Not really.  Rye already knows what he what to do with his life.  He is a really hard worker and he has a chosen field that he absolutely loves, where he is outside all day, and suits him perfectly.  We just need to get him through the next few of years of school and get him enough education so he can move on to his technical training and move on with his life.

Onward and upward.

Here we are for the past week +.  I am the giraffe/elephant.  Rye is the bear.  I am exhausted.

After a good long stretch of stability, we have hit a bump in the road.  This past week Rye morphed into a person I have not seem in a very long time with symptoms I have not seen in a long time.  It’s tough to see.  It’s tough to handle.  And it’s taking a toll on all of us.

I have pulled Rye from school the past few days and with that I can see his psyche relaxing somewhat.  Next week he will return to school on a half day schedule.  I think that will help as far as school goes but I’m not sure.  Maybe not.

In addition to changes in school, Rye needs a med adjustment. We meet with the new psychiatrist in a little over a week and I am trying to get in sooner but don’t have any guarantees.  Appointments with child and adolescent psychiatrists are hard to come by.  I’m hoping to try Lithium when we do get in.

Right now I am worried for the future.  I know Rye is unstable but I’m not sure how to get back to normal.  He does not qualify for hospitalization as he is not a danger to himself or others.  He is ‘off’, though, and not functioning well.   He won’t do any of his sports, he can’t handle school.  And this isn’t just teen defiance. He is unwell. You can see it.  You can feel it.  For the first time in a long time I feel at a complete loss of where to go and what to do.  And Rye will barely leave my side, which is also not a good sign, so it’s hard to even have the time and freedom to call and research what to.

For the first time in a long time I really just feel like…I don’t know.

And we need some help.

_______

the art above is called ‘Tightrope Artist’ – I don’t know the artist who made it or I would give him or her credit here

As we had an incident arise the other day that brought up one of the most important things I have learned over the years, I thought I would share in case it might help someone else.  And that is:

How to avert a rage or complete meltdown.

Now, let me preface this by saying that if your child or teen is not at least reasonably stable, this probably won’t work too well.  But, assuming you get to a place where your child is able to have some forethought, is not completely impulsive, is not completely reactive, and is able to be introspective [and some of this just comes with age] – this has worked wonders for me.

So, when things start escalating and Rye’s emotions [anxiety, fear, frustration,etc] start taking over and I can feel the tension in the room rising and feeling as though things are going to get precarious, I walk over to Rye, gently take his head in my hands to make sure he is making eye contact with me, connecting with me, and hearing me, and I say,

I can see that you are struggling.  What can I do to help?  What do you need from me?

And with that, he will tell me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, he may not know exactly what he needs at first.  And he may say just that.  But, just by asking the question itself I acknowledge his struggle and let him know his challenge and emotion are being heard and seen.  This question, in turn, changes his mind path, gets him thinking on solutions instead of reactions, and it starts a dialogue.  And from there we can usually figure out what will help him and we can address his concerns.

And for us, this works pretty much every time at averting big meltdowns.

Now, I will say that the answers I get aren’t always completely rational or literal or right on the mark and you have to learn to work around that and be flexible with that.  For example, the other day when Rye started to escalate the answer I got was that he just wanted me to love him.  Well, ok, obviously I love him.  And he knows this.  But what he was more meaning to say was that he was scared and frustrated and had some issues he didn’t know how to problem solve.  And his frustration and fear was taking over and whipping him into a complete frenzy.  So, in response to his answer to my question, I don’t be sarcastic, I don’t brush him off and/or tell him his concern is ridiculous or that he knows I love him etc. etc. but instead I act as though I’ve never said it before because this is what he needs.  I told him very clearly that I love him. That I always love him.  And I looked him the eye as I said it and made sure he was looking me in the eye as well.  I need for him to hear me.  And for him to feel my sincerity.  And then I said, now that you know I love you, what else can I do to help?   What do you need from me?  And we went from there.  In a calm, rational discussion in which we went on to solve some problems that were bugging him.

Rage averted.

So…is this always the way I have handled these situations?  ha,ha,ha…no.  I have handled them in 80 different ways that didn’t work. And I have handled then in ways that escalated the issue verses de-escalating it.  So I have learned the hard way.  But, the good news?

This works.

And it’s so basic.  You know, no one ever just tells you to ask your child what they need.   But the truth is, even when they are totally out of control, they often know what they need.  Or at least close enough.

And the biggest benefit?  This process, done over the years, teaches your child how to be self aware, help themselves, and avert their own meltdowns.  Through repetition it teaches them to problem solve their own emotional takeovers.

And this is key for being successful in life.   Knowing how to be self aware and ask others for help when needed.

Rye is skiing today and Don is catching up on sleep so I have a chance to sit and write and think.  Ahhhh.  I’m feeling myself exhale.  Lovely.  Rye’s been sick with a chest cold the past few days so I have not had much time to myself and it’s nice now to have a moment to regroup and let my mind sift out.

Things have been busy here.  Don is very busy at work and that occupies the majority of his waking time and energy and I am working hard to get my company up and running again.  As for my plight,  it’s really exciting but it’s not easy.  It’s a lot of work.  There is a lot of background work to do and that’s where I am now.  It will pay off in the end, though.  It will all be worth it in the end.  Generally the best things never come easy or everyone would do them, right?

As for Rye, he is doing well.  We went to the doctor yesterday for his cold and found out he’s grown again.  He is now just shy of 6′3″.  And we bought his first pair of size 15 shoes last week.  Growing, growing… I now have my own personal body guard.  It’s kind of nice, really.

As for other happenings…

…I met with Rye’s school regarding his psych/academic test results.  The meeting went well and although it was a bit sad in that the testing shows why he really struggles in school, the good news is that the testing [ in conjunction with the doctor note and diagnosis] qualifies him for the services he now receives (resource classes and a lot of accommodations) to continue into high school.  And that is good news.

…Rye got new (well, new to him) freestyle skis and brand new ski boots.  It was his late Christmas present from Don and I and he is loving them.  He skis every weekend with a student group and is practicing freestyle skiing.  As he says, the freestyle skis are a must because with them you can ski forward and backward.   Seems so fitting for him.

…I broke down and got a smart phone.  For work I need a real phone with a real phone service and good connections so I begrudgingly gave up my sans-contract ghetto prepaid phone, gave it to Rye, signed a 2 year contract, and got a smart phone.  I’m embarrassed to say, I’m kind of falling in love with the new phone.  At times I feel certain the phone might just be smarter than me and the voice command feature is just out of this world.

…I’ve gotten Don and Rye hooked on piling into bed and watching old TV miniseries.  We watched East of Eden with Jane Seymour and if you haven’t seen that, you need to. It was great.  Right now we are in the middle of Rich Man, Poor Man and it’s really good too.  We tried to start Winds of War but couldn’t really get into it.  Next we may watch The Thorn Birds.  I remember seeing that one as a kid but it’s been a long time.

…After a weekend a week or so back of feeling nearly crippled from what I guess is arthritis, I have now limited myself to eating sugar only one day a week (Saturdays) and I feel great.  No more aching.   It makes me think the sugar was acting as an inflammatory for me.  Time will tell.  If it can be fixed that easily, that will be nice.

…We saw the movie The Ides of March.  I’m not into politics at all (like I really hate politics) but it was a great movie.  I’d recommend it.

…Rye started on a new basketball team.  He likes it ok so far.

…We still need to find a good fit psychiatrist for Rye.  I’ve got to get on that next week.

And, I guess that’s about it for now.

Have a great weekend!

It was overdue, I guess.  Things have been really good for months now despite nonstop huge life changes.

I spent the last day and a half with a derailed Rye.  He called me from school the morning after last completely frantic.  Seven calls in a row.   Each with a new physical ailment for which he needed to come home.  After about the 4th call I realized it had nothing to do with  the physical and everything to do with the mental/emotional.  So, I went and got him.

When I went to pick him up I got a smallish lecture from the school nurse about how he needs this and that because he has a lot of physical complaints.  She doesn’t know his predicament has nothing to do with the physical so I just let her talk and agreed.  No sense in doing anything else at that point.

As we left the school, Rye started to verbally unload telling me all of the things he had been storing up and taking in at school and with life in general with a speech pattern of about 100 miles per hour.  The testing is stressing him out, the psychologist is weirding him out, the classes are hard, the schoolwork is hard, I don’t pack him the right things for lunch, etc. etc.  And it went on, and on, and on.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  His school now is wonderful.  And he really likes it.  We could not ask for a better school.  And he is making friends there so he loves that part.  This was just Rye.  Because this is how his mind works.  It’s like a puffer fish.  He takes it in, takes it in, takes it in, and then finally needs to let it out.  And this is what he was doing.

So, we sat in a parking lot waiting to go get lunch and I let him unload.  Then we came home and he continued to unload and fall apart off and on for the next day (I let him stay home the next day).   After a rage of which we have not seen the likes of  in probably a year now, we agreed that we would up his Seroquel by 25 mg and see if that helps.  It that doesn’t work, we’ll go up another 25 mg.  That is what our previous psychiatrist would tell us to do.  To put out the fire in his brain.   And then we lower it back down once things have calmed down for a while.  We’ve been here before and it worked.  So, this is what we did.

This morning, things were good.  He went to school and told me he would have a good day.

And I believe him.

I’m not sure that ‘full’ full-time school is the best fit for him.  But I guess we’ll try and do what we can.

One day at a time.

A few years back I wrote about how my son (who was 12 at the time) took Abilify as a stand alone medication for a few months and had suicidal thoughts while he was taking it.   This was unusual for him as he is not a suicidal kid in general and when we discontinued the medication due to it giving him tics of odd tongue movements and neck rolls, the suicidal thoughts discontinued-as did the tics.

Over the years since then I have received quite a few emails from people relating to that post and sharing similar issues of suicidal thoughts or tendencies while taking Abilify – either with themselves, their loved ones, or their children.  Because I have no way to verify the legitimacy of these emails, I have not written about them.  However, a few days ago I received an email from a man saying that his fiance completed a suicide attempt and he is now devastated by the loss.  I was struck by that email.   He attributes the suicide to her taking a combination of Pristiq, Abilify and Adderall.

He says:

The pills made her more and more irate, unapproachable, wild, irrational, paranoid, and completely not “herself”…Definitely not the person I met and fell head over heels for. She nose dived in a matter of 2 to 3 months with the biggest hit coming with the addition of the Abilify.

_______

I cannot get this email out of my mind.  As you know, stimulants caused huge issues for my son and Abilify was not good for him either.

If your child or family member is taking stimulants (Ritalin, Adderall, Focalin, Concerta, etc.) and/ or SSRIs or SNRIs (antidepressants like Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, Pristiq) and/or Abilify and they are suicidal and/ or worse than they were before they started the medication and/or simply cannot get stable, PLEASE consider that the medications that are supposed to be helping them could be making them worse.   Do not discount their behavior as simply a part of bipolar behavior or as you having a child that simply cannot get stable.   Stimulant medication and medication with stimulant-like properties does help people that can tolerate it but it can also wreak havoc on people that can’t and even more so on bipolar teens, children, and adults.

This has happened to us, it has happened to others, and it can happen to you.

We met with the new psychiatrist this week.  Or what may become the new psychiatrist.  I say ‘may’ because I have also made an appointment with another psychiatrist so we’ll see who we like better.

So, how was he?  Well, ok, I guess.  This one is fairly young.  He’s less than 10 years out of med school and he’s young, energetic and tried really hard to be ‘hip’ and connect with Rye.  And Rye seemed to like that.  As for me, though, I was a little more leery.  I tend to like older, more tried and true doctors who have seen it all.  Rye’s previous psychiatrist had well over 35 years of experience (he technically could have retired if he had wanted to) and I felt like he was very good at what he does and was very mellow as well.  He didn’t get all hung up in the vernacular of things and was good at seeing the bigger picture.  The new pdoc?  Well, he’s newish in his career and associated with a hospital (he’s on hospital staff) so he has to follow a bunch of criteria whether he wants to or not.  And he has to answer to a bunch of people whether he wants to or not.  And that can get kind of annoying.

For example, he does not like to use the term ‘bipolar’ and feels unsure that Rye really has ‘bipolar’ because after all, he has known us for all of 2 minutes now and do we, as a society, really know what bipolar looks like in a child?  So, he uses the term “Mood Disorder NOS” and gave us a whole mini lecture about it.  Dude, wtf, who the crap cares what you call it? If it makes you feel better to call it Mood Disorder NOS, go for it.   Call it ‘Der Wienerschnitzel’ if you want but let’s not mess with what’s working.    And honestly, let’s not debate what bipolar looks like in a teen.  If your child gets so hyper that they can’t attend school, can’t concentrate, make terrible decisions, engage in dangerous behavior, have no peace of mind, racing thoughts, racing speech, superhuman strength, can’t sleep, can’t relax, get delusional, get paranoid, hear things, see things, have debilitating nightmares…it’s not just a case of the ‘hypers’.  For peet’s sake.  Let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

Another thing, because this psychiatrist is on hospital staff, he has no say in his schedule.  In other words, we saw him for an hour for our initial appointment and going forward we will only be able to see him for 20 minute increments for med checks.  Even if we wanted to see him for hour long appointments and pay out of pocket to get more out of the experience or get more help, we can’t.  He’s not allowed to do that.   So, our fate rests in the hands of someone who knows us not at all and who really can’t get to know us either, even if we wanted to.  Even if we wanted to pay extra for it.  I don’t like the inflexibility of that.

Also, he asked for records.  All of Rye’s records from the dawn of time.  Why?  Because apparently he is going to look them all over and decide if all of these ‘diagnosing’ doctors (his colleagues with much more experience than himself) are right in their diagnosis .  And, because he says it will take their hospital staff 100 years to get the records if we leave it to them (not very reassuring), I need to do it all myself.   Apparently it is out of the question to just pick up the phone and call Rye’s previous pdoc for 5 minutes to get the run-down, colleague to colleague.  And to this end, getting Rye’s records is a pain but overall no big deal and all sounds good and great but let’s think about this…given the fact that we have now already had our allotted one hour appointment and from now on we get 20 minutes every month or up to every 3 months (our choice) to see him in total every year, this record seeking journey hardly seems worth my time.  When is he going to look these records over and when is he going to discuss his findings with us?  In the 3 hours total a year he sees us (of which we’ve already used 1 hour up)?  It’s never going to happen.  Also, he expressed concern that Rye’s learning disabilites may be causing his ‘bipolar’ like behavior.  Ummm, no.  Let’s not be ridiculous.  Learning disabilities don’t land kids in hospitals with crazy erratic behavior and audio and visual hallucinations, etc. etc, etc.

Anyway, the good news?  He is very nice and personable.  And I know he means well.  He appears to be a sweet person.  And Rye really likes him.  And he’s close to our house.  And he’s covered by insurance.  So, we’ll keep him in the running.  And, most importantly, he didn’t change the meds or even ask about changing them.  So that’s good.

Let’s not try and fix what isn’t broken.

Well, it’s been a month now since Rye and I left our home in the Southeast to drive across county and meet up with Don to settle into our new life in the Northwest.  Holy cow.  I can’t believe it’s only been a month.  It feels like it’s been much, much longer. In a good way, though.

Life is so different here.

We used to live in a house with acres of land.  Now we live in an apartment.  We used to live in a rural area.  Now we live in a very urban area.  We used to live in an area where life resembled that of the 1950’s.  Now we live in an area that is rich with all of the newest technologies, innovative companies, architecture and general offerings.  We used to live in a very conservative area.  Now we live in a very liberal area.  We used to live in an area where nearly all land is privatized.  Now we live in an area completely connected with trails, flush with parks and emphasis placed on public access.  We used to homeschool.  Now Rye is back in public school full time.

Wait.

Did I just say that?

Yes, Rye is back in public school.  Why?  Well, he decided he didn’t want to homeschool here.  He wanted a regular routine and he wanted to be with kids all day.  And the schools here are said to be very good.  Some of the best in the country.  So, he went back in.  And the school here has been really great so far.  And so far, he’s happy there.  So we’ll take it.  One day at a time.

How is Rye doing in general?  Amazingly, he’s doing really well.  He has been a complete trooper about this move.  It’s really been incredible to watch.  Especially since it really is like we moved from one world to a completely other world.  But he seems to be taking well to it.  He is taking well to all of the international flavor of the area, the urban setting and all of the different options and foods and nationalities of people.   He seems to enjoy it all.

And Don and I?  We are enjoying it too.  Admittedly, we all three have days where we just collapse from exhaustion from the constancy of everything being new and unfamiliar.  But it’s worth it.  We are adjusting. And we are having fun.

Other adjustments?  We start with a new pdoc for Rye soon.  Hopefully that will be a fit.  Our insurance here is not great.  It is Aetna PPO but we have a terrible deductible plan so we essentially have to pay for everything out of pocket for the first half of the year until the deductible is gone and then after that they supposedly they pay for some of everything.  At least that is what we are told.  The Seroquel with this insurannce is $500/month making Rye’s med payments for us almost $600/month out of pocket – and that is with insurance!  It almost makes you wonder what the point of having insurance is when you pay $13k/year before you even see any partial benefit from having it.   Ughh.  Insurance companies  just run this country.  It’s pathetic.

And I guess that’s about it for now.

Ski season will be here soon and so will the holidays!  Lots to look forward to!

Oh my gosh, did you by any chance see this last night?  I’m guessing if you had anything better to do at all you didn’t.  But for me, Rye was in bed with a cold and I was up late bored so I watched it.

Wow.

Here are my thoughts:

What a train wreck.  I’m so curious as to why they did this now.  Money and ego, I guess, but it sure seems way too early to pronounce him as a comeback.  At most he can only have a few months sober.  And if he really did want a comeback, I’m not sure this helped his cause by any stretch of the imagination.

The guest panel looked like a focus group for dual diagnosis treatment follow up.   With the exception William Shatner, who I really like, and the blond female comedian, who I’d now like to see in some other venue, all of the rest of them were like WTF?  I guess that was the best they could do.

It would have been better if they could have had Dr. Drew on there as a commentator analyzing, asking questions, and overall commentating.  Now that would have been interesting to watch.  But I’m guessing no sane person, Dr. Drew included, wanted to touch that tribute with a ten foot pole.  And with good reason.

As for the jokes, is this situation really something to joke about?  I mean, honestly, Charlie Sheen’s kids are going to be in therapy forever.   Maybe not right now, but trust me, this will catch up with them and him.  Hearing  jokes about your dad doing excessive drugs, engaging in excessive sex, abusing women, abusing their moms, being a whore monger, enjoying anonymous sex, acting crazy, being ungrateful for what he has, not giving a care in the world about his kids, being an overall ass, and on and on and on really isn’t that funny.  Trust me, to them it won’t be funny.

As for Brooke Mueller, his ex-wife who was in the audience laughing along, God help her.  And her kids.  I mean at least Denise Richards has dignity, intelligence, and some sense so I think her kids will be fine.  Brooke and Charlie’s kids are going to have a bumpy ride with those two as parents and her supporting him and their chosen lifestyle over the kids’ safety and sense of well being.

Steve O.  He made me sad.  He had such a sad look in his eyes it broke my heart.  He has a long journey ahead.  And the fact that he voluntarily ran into Mike Tyson’s fist not once but twice trying to get a black eye speaks volumes.  About the whole evening, really.

I kind of felt sorry for Mike Tyson too.  Don’t ask me why but I did.  I think he struggles far more than he lets on.

Charlie mentioned at the end of the roast that his family was not there to support him.  He gave a slight nod to the fact that he understood  why but then just barreled forward.  I say good for them.  Someone needs to have some sense here.  If my son put me through hell and back with his actions and then wanted to celebrate himself and his actions a few months later in a ‘me-me-me, celebrate me’ public format, I would not go either.  What is there to celebrate?  They are probably still completely reeling from the damage and mortifed by his compete lack of gratitute for what he has and lack of compassion and insight into what he has put his family through.

Overall, I think you would have had to have been intoxicated, completely manic, or a middle school boy to really enjoy this show and enjoy the humor in it.  That said, I’m not even sure a middle school boy would have liked it.  Rye has a biodad very similar to Charlie Sheen and I can tell you that Rye would not have found this funny and would have felt sorry for Sheen’s kids.  The kids are the ones that pay the price.

Charlie Sheen says he is proud of the fact that nothing he has done to date has killed him and that even he can’t kill himself.  The rest of the world looks on, looks past the literal, and says,

Really? Are you sure about that?

Well, getting back into a routine is proving to be a tad more difficult than I hoped it would be.  And the struggle can be felt throughout the land.   Setting limits.  Limits are not what Rye always likes but are what he desperately needs.  And so we set them.  And we follow through with them.  And we get some pull back.  And some push back.  Until we all understand each other and are clear on what is acceptable and what is not.  When we can see friends and when we cannot.  What work we must get done and what work won’t be left undone. And we are getting there.

But it’s not easy.

One thing I have learned in raising Rye…I need to be flexible.  But not overly flexible.  Because this kid is very strong willed and can try to run you over like a dump truck to get what he wants.  If you let him.  That said…This is my house.  With my rules (well, ok, Don and I but Don is traveling for the next few weeks so it’s just me) .  And I can bend with you to accommodate your needs.  And I can be very understanding, to a point.  In the end, though, it’s my way or the highway.

Oh, yes. That’s right, Rye.

Miss Percy P is back in town and school is in session.

Love it or leave it.