Raising Bipolar

Over the years in raising Rye I have learned a thing or two about a thing or two.   Not through therapy, not through books, not through the advice of doctors,  just through hands-on day-to-day dealing with the issues, needs, and complexities of raising a child with bipolar disorder and seeing what works and what doesn’t.  Kind of learn-as-you-go experiential parenting lessons, if you will.

As we had an incident arise the other day that brought up one of the most important things I have learned over the years, I thought I would share in case it might help someone else.  And that is:

How to avert a rage or complete meltdown.

Now, let me preface this by saying that if your child or teen is not at least reasonably stable, this probably won’t work too well.  But, assuming you get to a place where your child is able to have some forethought, is not completely impulsive, is not completely reactive, and is able to be introspective [and some of this just comes with age] – this has worked wonders for me.

So, when things start escalating and Rye’s emotions [anxiety, fear, frustration,etc] start taking over and I can feel the tension in the room rising and feeling as though things are going to get precarious, I walk over to Rye, gently take his head in my hands to make sure he is making eye contact with me, connecting with me, and hearing me, and I say,

I can see that you are struggling.  What can I do to help?  What do you need from me?

And with that, he will tell me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, he may not know exactly what he needs at first.  And he may say just that.  But, just by asking the question itself I acknowledge his struggle and let him know his challenge and emotion are being heard and seen.  This question, in turn, changes his mind path, gets him thinking on solutions instead of reactions, and it starts a dialogue.  And from there we can usually figure out what will help him and we can address his concerns.

And for us, this works pretty much every time at averting big meltdowns.

Now, I will say that the answers I get aren’t always completely rational or literal or right on the mark and you have to learn to work around that and be flexible with that.  For example, the other day when Rye started to escalate the answer I got was that he just wanted me to love him.  Well, ok, obviously I love him.  And he knows this.  But what he was more meaning to say was that he was scared and frustrated and had some issues he didn’t know how to problem solve.  And his frustration and fear was taking over and whipping him into a complete frenzy.  So, in response to his answer to my question, I don’t be sarcastic, I don’t brush him off and/or tell him his concern is ridiculous or that he knows I love him etc. etc. but instead I act as though I’ve never said it before because this is what he needs.  I told him very clearly that I love him. That I always love him.  And I looked him the eye as I said it and made sure he was looking me in the eye as well.  I need for him to hear me.  And for him to feel my sincerity.  And then I said, now that you know I love you, what else can I do to help?   What do you need from me?  And we went from there.  In a calm, rational discussion in which we went on to solve some problems that were bugging him.

Rage averted.

So…is this always the way I have handled these situations?  ha,ha,ha…no.  I have handled them in 80 different ways that didn’t work. And I have handled then in ways that escalated the issue verses de-escalating it.  So I have learned the hard way.  But, the good news?

This works.

And it’s so basic.  You know, no one ever just tells you to ask your child what they need.   But the truth is, even when they are totally out of control, they often know what they need.  Or at least close enough.

And the biggest benefit?  This process, done over the years, teaches your child how to be self aware, help themselves, and avert their own meltdowns.  Through repetition it teaches them to problem solve their own emotional takeovers.

And this is key for being successful in life.   Knowing how to be self aware and ask others for help when needed.