Raising Bipolar

Guest Post:

My name is Kaley and I have Bipolar.  I am very new to my diagnosis as I was only diagnosed three months ago.  I feel that I have made incredible strides since then, but I recognize that Bipolar is a lifelong condition and I still have a long way to go.

The first sign that something wasn’t quite right in my life happened back in 1998 when I was a freshman in college.  I developed an eating disorder, anorexia, as a means to control my life.  I was going through a very rough transition from an overly strict household and attending a small Catholic school to a university with over 30,000 students.

I recovered from that to find myself in the job market a few years later.  I was working as a Business Banker, a very stressful job.  I couldn’t say no to anyone.  I kept taking on more and more responsibility in an effort to please everyone.  I was an exceptional employee.  From what I understand about Bipolar, I was probably hypomanic most of the time.  It was no wonder I excelled.

Stress kept piling on, and through a series of events, my brother came to live with my husband and I.  This put a terrible strain on our relationship.  About this time I began to drink more often to quiet my thoughts.  It seemed that alcohol was the only thing that would stop my mind from racing.  It became so destructive that I soon was drinking on my lunch breaks.  I worked in a high-rise bank building downtown, so geography was not an issue.

I knew I needed help with my anxiety, so I sought the help of a psychiatrist.  He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and prescribed me Xanax and Effexor.  This did very little for me.  I think if anything, the Effexor made my mania worse.  I continued to drink at after-hours work functions and happy hours with work friends.

Everything came to a head in December of 2008 when I was arrested for a DUI.  This was a complete shock to me as I had never even received a parking ticket.  A week later I was fired from my job because of it.  I felt so depressed that my self-medicating ways did not stop, so three weeks later, I apparently did not learn my lesson and got a second DUI.

I entered counseling and continued with the psychiatrist, trying every combination of anti-anxiety drug known to man.  Nothing worked.  A year went on and I felt sorry for myself and did nothing to change my situation.  I became a sloth.  The driven and successful me became lost and replaced with a stranger.  In addition, my relationship with my husband was becoming more strained by the day.  I was not the person he married.

Finally in April 2010 I’d had enough.  I checked myself into outpatient group therapy at a mental health hospital.  There I learned coping skills and how to keep a journal, which has since morphed into a daily blog.  I learned how to be me again, and that just because I’ve made mistakes, my life isn’t over.  I can use this experience for good.  Today I totally abstain from alcohol as it has caused my nothing but problems and heartache.  My social activities do not revolve around it, and when I am at parties, I drink Diet Coke.  My friends understand and respect me all the more for it.

When I finished the program, I found a new doctor, who immediately diagnosed me with Bipolar.  This came as quite a shock.  Here I was doing all of this work and therapy related to anxiety, when in fact I was Bipolar.  I felt that I was back to the beginning.  But I wasn’t.  I can use all of the coping mechanisms and skills nonetheless.

I have Bipolar I, with racing thoughts.  I mainly live in the hypomanic range.  Since my depression over the loss of my job and DUI ended, the only times I have felt depressed was when I was on too high of a dose of my Bipolar medication (Geodon).  My doctor and I are working together to find a dose that is right for me.  She wants to keep me out of hypomania, but also wants to make sure I do not become too low.

My life has become easier since the diagnosis.  I now understand why I was self-medicating.  I understand why I do the things I do.  I am learning my triggers and how to calm my mind.  I have a lot of hope that I can live as normalized of a life as possible.  My family and friends are behind me, and I’ve built a very strong support system.  I believe I have all of the tools I need in life for me to be successful.

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For more on Kaley, check out her blog at  www.anxiouskaley.com