If you have a bipolar teen and are a part of any kind of bipolar teen support group, you will hear stories of kids having some unsavory behavior. Not all kids, of course, but definitely some. It’s pretty much inevitable. I mean, after all, these kids live a little more on the edge. Mine included. My child is attracted to the edge and mine is only 12. It’s often hard to get the medication right. If they are manic they are attracted to bad things and can lack impulse control or the ability to make sound decisions. If they are depressed the can make dangerous decisions or engage in behavior that will inflict self harm. If they rapid cycle and they aren’t stable on medication they are all over the place. Not all kids are in therapy or will go to therapy or have effective therapists. And even if in therapy, not all kids will listen to their therapists or participate enough to get any benefit from it.
So, in light of these situations, many parents are faced with the problem of how to manage their own child. How do you stop the dangerous behavior and help them to do the right thing? And often times, in times of desperation, the decision goes to whether or not to call the police on your own child. The thought is, maybe the police will scare them straight. Maybe dealing with the legal system and court system will make the child realize their actions have consequences and that this behavior is to be taken seriously. Maybe some time in a juvenile detention center or with a probation officer will be just what the child needs to make better decisions.
But does this work?
It is my personal opinion that, no, it does not work. And not only does it not work, it can have the opposite effect of what you thought it would do. You have now made your child into a criminal.
You have criminalized you own own child.
Now, I’m sure there are a lot of people that would disagree with me on this. And if you have a story that shows otherwise I would love to hear it. However, in my first marriage I was married to what the court systems consider as an adult to be a career criminal. He was raised in an incredibly dysfunctional and antisocial (i.e. engaging in behavior that goes against the norms of society) family and had a heavy drug problem starting at the age of about 13. By 14 he was engaged in antisocial behavior that had him in and out of the court system, juvenile detention centers, boys camps, etc. for all of his teen years. By 18 he was in a prison diversion program that he stayed in until about 22 years old. And the story goes on and on through adulthood.
Did his involvement with the law as a teen scare him straight? No.
He used to tell me, the only thing going to juvenile detention centers or boys camps or whatever does for a teen boy is normalize antisocial behavior for them and make that the world they know. Not only does it not scare them straight, it desensitizes them to criminal or drug behavior and that becomes their new norm. And once your child has a probation office or is involved in the system, what are the chances that families whose kids are doing the right thing and have never had any contact with the court systems are going to want your child at their house? Or have their kids be friends with your kid? Pretty low. It would be the exception. So as a kid your are now steered even more to the wrong kids because those are the kids and the kids families that will accept those situations.
Now I’m not saying this is always the case. And I’m not saying the if your child is doing something horrible or endangering him or herself or your family to a grave degree that you should not protect yourself or your other children. Of course you should. But what I am saying is that one should think twice about the long term effects of calling the police on your child. Or having the child involved in the court system. And think about what that does to the child’s self esteem and self image. The child now sees him or herself as a criminal and knows that you also see them as a criminal. That is hard to overcome. Especially for kids already struggling with bipolar. It’s now just one more thing for them to deal with and overcome.
Does this experience and self image help create a healthy adult?
It’s something to consider.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. ~ Jesus Christ
6 Comments
That’s a really interesting thought Meg – I think it’s easy to think that someone else (law enforcement, hospital, school) can have a sobering effect on your child, because it would have a sobering effect on us. But that seems to be one of the most difficult parts of parenting (especially kids with mental health issues) – parenting a child that is very different than yourself. You think that your child would react to things the same way you would/did, but that’s too often just not the case.
Wow, you bring up some very good points. Especially how the child may accept this as their new norm and how they are pushed to kids that live in the criminal realm. Also what the previous post mentioned, we often think our child would react the way we would, but that doesn’t always happen.
I agree with you 100%. The only time we would ever consider calling the police on our own minor child (of course this assumes there wasn’t a serious crime committed; I’m talking about out-of-control behavior at home) is if we absolutely couldn’t keep him or the rest of us safe.
There are families with teenagers in our IRL support group and the two who have called the police for help came to deeply regret that decision later. The kids are caught in the system and instead of more help, there are more hoops to jump through, more red-tape to manage, and in some ways, parents lose some of their authority.
This does have me thinking, though, that our support group might be able to set up a way to help each other. If a family is in an immediate crisis, what if they could call us for help? We could get the siblings to one of our houses where things are quiet. Four or 5 adults would be much more likely to successfully get a raging 16 year old to the hospital than one or two. A single mom would feel physically safer and therefore more able to be firm with her child.
Aaand I’m thinking “out loud” again. I guess I know what I’ll be talking about at support group on Saturday.
Adrienne: I think that is such a great idea for your support group to make a pact to help each other instead of calling the police or crisis intervention teams. I’d be shocked if the minute another family came over to the house or a couple of unrelated adults came over to help, the child didn’t simmer down a bit. Rages are often much more in the child’s control than it may appear. And it’s a much more empowering solution than always having to look to outside agencies or strangers for help. We don’t have a local support group here but maybe I should look into that.
And as far as other bad behavior, obviously there are times when a child/teen is doing something heinous and that needs to be dealt with accordingly. But I think at that point expect the police to do what they need to do and take your child away. And expect the courts to take control because there is no other way. Don’t expect to use the criminal justice system to simply scare, heal or reform your child. It just won’t happen.
I have to disagree. My 12 year old daughter steals, lies compulsively, always goes left instead of right, and just recently started forging our signature on things. For two years, we did the counseling and reward charts and all this crap that counselors sell you. NOTHING WORKED AT ALL! So at our wits end, we had her attend a reality check program offered through the Sheriffs office. In the program they have them talk to inmates, tour the jail, they do extensive military like exercises and at one point they will even handcuff them and make them think they are being arrested. Well guess what? She did a complete 360 she no longer lies, steals or anything. Her grades have improved and she is doing wonderful. Lets admit it to ourselves, maybe your ex-husband was in and out of trouble his whole childhood not because it became the norm (thats just an excuse so that he doesn’t have to accept the blame) but maybe he is just that kid–the bad seed. Whether we like to admit it or not they are out there. No matter what a persons circumstances how they end up is eventually up to them. There comes a time in a kids age where mommy and daddy can no longer hold your hand–they can only direct you and hope you go the right way, but ultimately it is up to individual themselves.
Kristin: You and I are talking about different things. You did a “Scared Straight” program for your daughter and I agree with you that those work for the majority of kids that participate in them. That’s different than what I am talking about in this post.
Also, since you don’t know my ex-husband or the atrocities he went through as a child and teen I’m not sure you should be so callous in your painting of his character. And you also don’t know how it all turned out in the end (i.e. how he is doing now) so I’m not sure your “owing you own actions’ speech carries much weight. You have a 12 year old daughter that is lying, stealing, and forging signatures and does not have enough of an internal moral compass to not do these things except for fear of going to jail. I’d say a little humility may be in order here.