this morning has not been good. i let rye go to a church youth group thing with a friend last night that he often goes to on wednesday nights but then this morning he could not get to school. or i should say would not go to school. were i a stronger parent, i could have gotten him to school. i know this. but i guess that’s the thing. i just don’t feel very strong lately. i got him all the way to school and he fell apart crying because his teachers yell at him over the smallest, most ridiculous things and i caved. because i know how they are at that school and i know it’s a lot for him and i feel bad for him that school has to be such a production for him. and i really should just homeschool him but i think we might drive each other nuts. i don’t know. maybe it would be fine. but then we came home and i fell apart crying because i felt like i had failed. what a lot we are. geesh.
and then this morning i felt like i often do, like i’m floating on an iceberg by myself. don is focused on work. my mom is focused on work. my dad i only see one or two days a year. and that’s all the family i ever see or talk to. don’s family is out of town many states away and we only see them maybe once a year. sometimes i wish we had a big italian family or greek family like you see on tv. where there are always a million people around and everyone cares about each other and takes care of each other and are friends.
don told me the other day he thought rye might be better off without me because rye is so much less emotional when i’m not around. i don’t know, maybe he’s right. i have a really, really hard time being the structured parent that rye needs. and rye and i are both emotional people and maybe it’s too much sometimes. it’s hard to say. i know rye is a really good person so i know i’ve done a good job with that. rye is funny, creative, loving, outgoing, passionate, loyal, empathetic, polite [to everyone but teachers that hurt his feelings], he has a ton of friends, he can be a hard worker when he wants to…it’s not like i’ve done a terrible job with him. he is very emotional. and he has a hard time with school. the material, the teachers, the environment, all of it. and paying attention. and always has. and i’m just not a really strong parent when it comes to structure.
anyway, i guess i’m shoulding all over everything.
crap.
4 Comments
Tell your husband to drive him to school for a week.
Kids let out their feelings in front of the one whom they trust and feel safe with. You are the safe one, Don is not. He knows you will alawys be there. So as far as being better off without you, no I don’t think so because he wouldn’t have that safe person. Eventually he would have to make Don the safe person and act that way around him or his behavior would get worse because there would be no safe person. As for getting on each others nerves if you homeschool that may be, but there are options such as partial school through the Internet and so forth.
i feel the same way. i wish i was stronger, more routine or structured for mateo. but i’m just not. i’m relaxed and easy going. i let him miss school too much too. usually he wants to go, or at least if he doesn’t it’s temporary. but every once and a while he is so adamant about not going that i let him stay home. maybe I’m a sucker…but…we are goign to homeschool him in a few months anyway so who really cares if he misses a few days of school?
Hang in there, Meggers!! Some days are necessarily difficult– you are raising a human being for pete’s sake! What could be more complicated? I prescribe a sweet treat for you and a slice of quiet time.
xoxo-Kelly
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